Confession

I breathe deep. Today is the day I shall confess to you how I’ve felt all these years. I’m in hopes you’ll feel the same, but I have my doubts.

I’m so nervous. I want class to end, but at the same time, I wish I could just sit in this seat forever. I know I can’t. it’s only going to make things worse, running away from this.

I like the way you make me feel, but at the same time, I hate it. When your near, I swear I feel like something big will happen, but nothing ever does. You make me feel weak, as if you’ve drained all the energy out of me: I’m going to faint, I’m going to throw up, I’m going to scream, I’m going to lose my voice completely. But I never do. I always feel just fine when I actually talk.  

You make me feel a bunch of things at the same time. warm and chilly. Confident and insecure. blissful and miserable. wanted and insignificant. Loved and loathed. evident and unseen. Heard and ignored. Alive and breathless. Bitter and content. Twitchy and tranquil. I can’t even begin to describe how I can put up with it.

And of course, you always care about me, I know, but I can’t help but take it for granted sometimes. Are you pretending? I don’t think you would. you make sure I’m always warm, that I’m happy even if it means giving up your afternoon just to cheer me up.

Your do care. I know you do. But sometimes, I can’t shake the feeling like it’s all fake. You know I’m panicky and paranoid, but you always accept that, even if it annoys you to insanity to try to reassure me.

I can’t even pay attention in class today, and that’s a first for me.

And it’s all because of you. it’s all for you. and I don’t mind.

The bell rings. I’m really going to faint now. And I know noone but you would be there to catch me if I do. At least I hope so.

More than anything, I hope you feel the same…

I see you, and you rush over to me.

And you just close your deep blue eyes and smile at me, ready for whatever I’m about to throw at you. oh, if only telling you was as easy as making you smile.

If only.

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I stare deep into those big, cosmic green eyes. I know it’s cliché, but I feel I’ve found my soul mate and those eyes always reassure me I have. Even if this is no more than a friendship thing, I feel comfortable being able to say I have found my soul mate of some sort.

What we have is close, and I don’t want to ruin it by confessing my feelings, but  I really want to tell you.

Recently, I have only been able to stare at you, and you don’t ever break the silence; you instead only stare back. It’s your eyes. Those eyes distract me so much. They always have. And I’m sure you already know, I really like your eyes.

You casually break the silence by asking me how my day has been, and I honestly have had a bad day. But even so, I won’t tell you I did. I simply tell you it’s better now. And I’m not lying.

I mean it.

everyone in this town makes my life here miserable, but not you.  just to see you…my whole day has completely changed. It’s been a long day. A lot of other kids in my class are as tired as I am, but scarce have someone like you. And NONE have you. Only I have you. it’s always been you.
the one I can share my bad days with, the one to always make me feel better, the one to make me feel as if I’m important to someone for once.

none of them have ever felt this way, none have ever been this close to someone, and few ever will be. they never would understand any of this, but I know if one day I decide to tell you how I feel, you will.  You understand everything. You understand me. .

You always do.

It’s funny, but we can always share each others feelings and even know exactly what the other’s thinking about.

But not today. In your eyes, today,  I know I see worry. Your bright eyes are a lot duller than usual. And now I’m worried. It’s really bothering me. You are worried about something, but what?

Tell me.

I want to take it all away.

I want to take away the worry and the hurt that I sense. I know usually smiling for you makes you smile. But I feel as if…

As if I do right now, it will only make things worse. I don’t want to hurt you more than you are already hurt, I don’t like seeing you like this.

I want to take all of this worry away.

--

confessions. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse, but it always feels better to get all of your problems off of your chest.

This time, it turned out for the better for us.

I always wanted you to know, but to actually confess it… that in itself was a big accomplishment.

Tears had formed in my eyes. I was embarrassed, and you knew it. I was afraid, but your reassuring smile told me it would be okay. And it was all in the way you said, ‘I know’ that let me know, maybe you do mean it.

No.

I know you mean it.

--

So maybe this whole thing will be a bit awkward for a few weeks. Everyone will just have to get used to it. And no amount of teasing and hate from others can tear you from my arms now.

And you know I don’t care what they think.

I love you.

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